I distinctly remember the afternoon of March 15th when my friend and I were in a restaurant for our Sunday brunch, and I received an email, that at the time felt, as unreal as COVID-19, to work from home until further notice. A surge of chaos and anxiety clouded my brain, but I kept my calm face on. I truly relished the initial days of WFH-no awkward small talk, no ad-hoc meetings, no I-65 traffic. I could get all my work done from the comfort of my own home, which soon turned into a deafening silence.
Most days, I pulled myself from the bedroom to work desk, few minutes before the morning Zoom, barely any coffee in my brain cells to work. Work got frantic and any call that could have been an email was slowly staining my calendar. Living with an essential worker, I spent all work hours (and lunch hours if any) with myself, and quite frankly, I did not seem to enjoy it. My thoughts and emotions got the better of me and my day every day. Some days were a drag, others even worse. Not used to being alone, I didn’t like the idea of “spending time with myself”; in a 2-bedroom apartment, in the heart of the city on the downtown canal, with not a soul to talk to. It seemed eerie.
I was holding it together like all was fine, put my mask on, and went on with life as nothing happened. I pretended all would be fine, even when the world saw the racial reckoning, fires, or rise in deaths from COVID-19. But the days wouldn’t pass; I received emails of colleagues achieving new levels of excellence, a new badge of honor worn, and I would sit in a tiny corner and complain- ‘Why am I struggling when it seems to be easy for them? Why have I not been productive? What am I doing with my life?’ And my self-doubt was consuming my mind, depriving me of what was left of my self-confidence. But I was not new to being self-critical, we’ve been friends since childhood when scoring less than A on an exam was considered shameful.
During this difficult year, it was a slow yet sudden realization that I derived my energy from people, while I kept chasing perfection. I had a difficult time stopping and embracing the pain. I was not happy at work, was confused about my personal life, and was constantly distracted. I lost my curiosity, was bad at being disciplined, and became dull. I wanted to shake things up and change my life. But nothing made sense. I felt stuck in a rut with no light at the end of the tunnel.
No amount of deep breathing or ways to deal with stress helped. So, I did break down in big loud tears and let it all out. And in situations like these when you’re alone in the middle of a workday; crying because you can’t focus and feel lonely, and unproductive, you reach the lowest point of your day (or even week). Nothing worse can happen after, and it did not. Rather, something good happened. A feeble voice inside of me reached out and said- ‘It’s all right Vedika, everything will be okay. You will be okay. This is only temporary. It is not the end of the world. Everyone has their days and trying times. And this is yours’.
After a lifetime of avoiding my inner voice, I allowed myself to reach back, and truly be vulnerable with myself and feel what I was feeling in that moment. It felt scary and uncomfortable at first but soothed my nerves.
And hence began the first day of a new relationship with me.
Over the following week, I did something unlike me- I took a detox-paused all things usual and began a soul-searching journey. I would start my day 10-15 mins earlier, sit with a cup of coffee, and carefully journal my intention for the day before work started, and spent time with myself in the evenings. I discovered beautiful and scenic bike routes in the city and just watch the sun go down at the White River State Park. I would write my deepest darkest fears, any self-loathing thoughts in my journal and then I would make eye contact with myself in the mirror, connected to my being, and say- I love you, you are wonderful.
It sent a cold shiver down my spine – the first time I uttered those words. But I said it again and it felt tingly. Yet, I said it again and it felt nice. I made sure to meditate before bed at least for 15 mins and remember the quietness it would bring within. Fortunately, I was reading- Eat, Pray, Love during that week and it helped accelerate my self-love journey – and yes, I do highly recommend it!
Initial days felt like a withdrawal- no social connection, no human interaction, no new Netflix drama to escape my misery, no social media to keep up with Tik-Tok. By the third day, I felt better. By the fourth day, I honestly couldn’t stop smiling. I no more felt like damaged goods. It was an epiphany and made me realize that I have all the power in me to make myself happier. It was not the people I met, or the food I ate, or the movies I watched, or whom I dated or what parties I attended, or the appreciation I needed to receive. It was me who very much lay at the center of my happiness. I just had to consciously choose it, which made me feel alive and happier, almost magical.
I did forgive myself for the self-destructive criticism. I realized that the love for me is pure, boundless, and unconditional. With that power in me, I chose to love myself every day.
I hope you do too!
MEET VEDIKA
Vedika is a data analytics engineer by profession and is new to blogging but has been writing about her experiences since 2017. She loves to travel and spend quality time in nature, is an avid-reader and a trained classical dancer. She enjoys meeting new people and hearing new perspectives. Reach out if you want to talk about entrepreneurship, start-ups or psychology!
